Go! VENT : Sacrificing myself to get my toxic mother to leave me alone |

VENT : Sacrificing myself to get my toxic mother to leave me alone

2021.03.01 01:15 Pastabody851 VENT : Sacrificing myself to get my toxic mother to leave me alone

Hello everyone I kind of need to vent and if you have an advice please I'm open to whatever.

So I'm a 23Y/0 premed student. Went through a seven year relationship ending and moved back in with my mom because I had nowhere / no one else to call and I'm grateful to have a place please don't forget that.
My mom though keeps telling me I need to work ( I lost my job because of covid-19 and I look daily I even show her proof sometimes because in her mind I sleep all day and do nothing because I lock myself in my room to not have to talk to her ) She tells me I need to " put school on the back burner " because it causes so much stress in my life and that I juts need to work"
Which I'm not denying I'm fucking dying to be working so I can get out of this situation.
Before this fucking pandemic I worked two jobs and did school full time. so, that's not the issue. She told me it's been taking me too long to get my shit together ( I've been living here for four months ) she tells me I'm too emotional and that " if you don't buck up we're going to have problem ". She gets mad at me because I'm not social but I cause " too many problems " when I am. As a teen from ages 12-20 anytime I did something wrong she'd kick me out or threaten me.
I am at a complete fucking loss on what to do. If I make her mad or disagree with anything she says it's " god forbid you get help " " you need to see a therapist " or if I tell her I don't like how she's speaking to me she tells me to stop talking and to go away. She gets mad because I don't talk to her and it's a problem when I do talk to her. Like I can't do anything right in her mind.
I've been in therapy for 4 months trying to get my shit together, trying to get to know myself and what I desire from life, I work so hard in school, I've been saving money from my EI, paying off student debt, I pay rent, I don't have fun, I don't even know what fun is supposed to look like. I don't take care of myself other than therapy and working out so I don't have to feel this shit. for 23 years my life has never been mine. when I was 20 I attempted suicide because of the same thing and I am so, so fucking close again.
All I do is study and look for work. It feels like in order to get my mom to leave me alone I have to quit school, work like two full time jobs and when I leave start my life over. She has a problem with every single thing I do and I'm going to break again.
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